Why we broke our lease and are moving out of our picture perfect apartment? The short answer is I'm choosing wellness over perfection.
These days, I'm not shy about sharing my struggles with perfectionism and codependency. Those issues ruled my life and controlled me for way too long, and my personal growth suffered in return. Personally, sharing my reality is part of my process.
There is no doubt that I love beautiful things. Appreciation for specific aesthetics is part of who I am. However, there was a time in my life when I believed those very things defined me. It was a time when I deliberately resisted the depth of my being. I forced myself to live on the surface. And that kept me in all the surface level chaos.
For years, I've worked hard to release the grip I had on perfection. And the tangled web it formed with my codependency issues. For me, I had to get clear about what was happening in my life. Recognize why I had developed these specific patterns. Come to terms with the fact that they were no longer helping me grow and start the work of letting them go.
Story-telling and metaphors are modalities of learning and teaching for me. They always have been so it makes sense that I find the deeper meaning (the lesson) of this move and letting go of my picture perfect apartment as a metaphor of what my life had been like.
My upbringing was unlike most and unfortunately like many. Addiction along with mental and physical abuse made my childhood home chaotic and crazy. In my mind, I thought that I had to be a certain way, look a certain way, and have certain things in order for people to like me. Back then I thought no one would like me if they knew what was really going on. You know, on the inside, behind the closed doors. So, you see, when I grew up, I learned super quickly to paint a perfect picture.
My younger self thought if I were smiling on the sidelines at the football game as varsity cheerleading captain no one would ever think I had to call the cops on my stepfather the night before.
As I've continued my inner work on these issues, I've had to learn to prioritize self-care and my well-being over and over again. I had to learn that it was more important to make decisions based on my own best interest instead of worrying about what others would think.
And in this circumstance, the Universe presented me with a huge opportunity to grow even more in this area of my life. I kinda feel like the Universe, and I are having a conversation that sounds something like this...
Universe: "Lindsey, you've been working really hard on things and you say you are really ready to continue to release your grip on perfection, so we are going to gift you with yet another opportunity to grow."
Me: "Okay, I'm ready. I am."
Universe: "Okay then. You know the picture-perfect, beautifully decorated, dream apartment you are in?"
Me: "Oh, yes! I love it!"
Universe: "Well, it's going to make you sick and ultimately you'll have to choose between your well-being or your grip on perfection. Good luck."
Me: "WTF! Ugh."
Me (a while later): "Fine. I said I was ready. And I am committed to my inner work."
Visually my apartment is pretty damn perfect. It was renovated just a few years ago, so everything is brand new, updated, and absolutely beautiful. Since we decided to make the move from NYC to SoCal with no furniture, I was able to decorate from scratch. It's a happy apartment. Bright, spacious, open-concept, with stunning ocean views.
The insides are basically old and unkept, making it a breeding ground for all kinds of problems like mold and other allergens that I'm extremely sensitive to. *I talk more about this in the video.
So there you have it. I'm letting go of my stainless steel sub-zero fridge, marble countertops and backsplash that matches my hand towels - yes, perfectly! And I'm finally in a place where I'm okay with it. It feels a bit bittersweet but serves my highest good, and that is what really matters most of all.
And yes, in the big picture, I do recognize how blessed and fortunate I truly am. I know that some don't have the comfort of even having a roof over their heads. I've actually been in that situation when I was a child. However, I don't think anyone's process and journey should ever be judged of discounted.